New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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