I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
