He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize