I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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