im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Randomize