I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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