You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
