shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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