Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
My ATM looks so different sober.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
