I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
