I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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