When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
