i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
