i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
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