WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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