i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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