OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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