He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
