cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
