Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
