Umm I'm too high to move.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
