If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
