I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
