i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
