haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
