the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
