theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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