you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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