i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
