Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
They took my balls.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
