i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
