My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Are my feet made of real feet?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
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