I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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