And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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