i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
