Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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