Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
