Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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