I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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