i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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