Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
