when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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