Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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