Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
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