I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
