i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
