I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
