sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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