how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Mom said you looked used
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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