i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
