the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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