i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
