like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
