i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
