I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize