i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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