I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
