Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
