help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
