Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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