Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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