Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
